“I wish I were Black”: Talking about White privilege with my six-year-old
by guest blogger Ruthie Vincill
As a child playing in the ocean, I was taught about the undertow and its power to sneak up on you.
As a White child (and beneficiary of White privilege), I was not, however, taught about the undertow of racism and the power of racism to sneak up on you, without even being aware of such privilege.
I am a White woman with three daughters (ages 6, 3, and 1). My parenting has sought to ensure that my children pay attention to the undertow of racism—and to prepare them so that they know what to do when they confront it. Like the ocean’s undertow, racism is a strong force and it is easy to let it carry you. If I do not actively teach my children to be vigilant anti-racists, they will not be able to see racism until it is too difficult to get back to shore. In fact, they may not even be able to see shore at all.
When I talk about racism with my six year-old, my daughter has, at times, showed a sense of self-righteousness.
“I am never going to be a racist,” she has shared. “I can’t believe people would be that way.”
So, I told her the truth about where she comes from:
“We have racist family members. We have had family members who were proud of their racism, and we also have people in our family who do not realize that they are racist. But, we are also members of our family, and we can make the choice to stand up to racism.”
I want her to know that racism is in her blood.
We started talking about racism with our daughter when she was four—so we have a platform for our conversations about racism. After the events in Charlottesville recently, I was noticeably upset.
“What’s wrong?” my White six-year-old asked me.
“There are people who are racist, who are marching in a different state because they hate people with Black and Brown skin. But, there are people who are marching and protesting the hate and racism. And I am upset because a White supremacist hurt the people standing up for love, just like we stand up for love and against racism.”
“I wish I were Black,” she told me.
“Why do you wish that?”
“Because all of the racists were White and I’m White.” Then she adds, with emotion, “what if I accidentally turn into a racist?!?”
It is important for me to acknowledge that we have not exposed her as much as I intend to going forward, to the community of activists working together to fight against racism and White supremacy. I told her about the people who were White alongside people with Brown and Black skin at the rally who were protesting for love and against hate.
“You were born White so you have White privilege, but you were also born with a brain and heart. You have a brain and a heart to love others well and to fight against racism. Even though people are racist, it doesn’t mean they always will be. ‘Sneaky racism,’ (as we’ve termed it) benefits people with light skin, like us. And while it benefits us, we don’t always realize it. We don’t always know it’s happening, but what is important is what we do when we do realize that we’ve been benefiting from ‘sneaky racism,’ or that we have been participating in sneaky racism.”
Her statement of wishing she were Black is stating her dismay with the White culture. She recognizes that people who look like her, are propelling hate and she can’t stand it.
Our family believes that anti-racism is as essential to teach children as it is to teach them not to lie. Below are some examples of how we approach conversations about race, racism, and White supremacy with our children.
Often our approach stems from asking questions about the books she is reading, or we are reading to her. For example, “What do you see that’s different about that school room and your school room? How do you think that situation made that character feel? How would you feel? What do you think you could do to change the story if you were there?”
We approach intervening in overt racist situations our children may witness with four postures.
1. Beside. Be beside the target. Do not leave because you feel uncomfortable. Engage with the person who is the target. Talk to them, about anything, but keep their focus with you and yours with them.
2. In between. Place yourself in between the racist and the target. Engage the racist and stand up for the target.
3. Walk away together. Take the person being targeted by the hand and leave. Go together to a safe space.
4. Name it. If you observe a racist action, book, etc., say what it is. “This book is racist. That joke was racist.” Etc.
We also role-play situations of racism and White supremacy targeting her friends. For example, I pretend to be a child who is preventing a Black child from playing with the group because they are Black. My daughter practices ways she could stand up for her friend. I play the role of the “bully,” justify the exclusion, and then up the personal cost to her for standing up to me. We practice different strategies until she feels confident. This exercise makes her uncomfortable…I am glad it makes her uncomfortable. I hope that when she is faced with racism she will have the skills to function in her discomfort; she will know what to do
As parents, one of the hardest things to do is to see your child suffer. White parents can be tempted to believe that not exposing your children to difficult concepts prevents suffering. However, just like we vaccinate our children for their own good, we must educate them about racism, and how it is happening today.
It is hard to know that I am making my children feel pain or fear. But, it is imperative we do not remove the discomfort of racism in our White children’s lives. It should be uncomfortable and horrific. It is important that we sit with them in the uncomfortable emotion of it, to lament with them, and then, teach them that they have power to fight for change; teach them they can manipulate the systems of White privilege from within because they are White.
If we, as White parents, gloss over racism, if we perpetuate racism in our culture…there will be no progress. Children are the panacea to end the horrific reality of White supremacy in the United States. We must empower our children to be the change our country needs.
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Ruthie is from a long line of White Southerners. She holds her Master’s in Social Work from the University of Tennessee and is a mother to three girls. She and her husband live in St. Louis and are passionate about raising children who are consciously acting to fight against racism in the United States. Being from the South, Ruthie is acutely aware of the impact of White privilege and institutionalized racism and its effects on the children being raised submerged in it.
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Thank you for this post. As a white mother to a six-year-old and three-year-old, this is something I have thought about a lot. We’ve been pretty good about naming race with our kids, but I think I fumble a bit more with talking about racism. This post has some great ideas.
How do you introduce the role play activities with your kids? Are they part of regular play time? How do you react if/when your child says they don’t want to play that game/do the roleplay?
Celeste, Thank you for your reply. The blog limitation sets the max length at 1000 words, so it makes it difficult to encompass everything we talk about surrounding this conversation or the standards with which our family functions already. (e.g. personal boundaries, other types of racism etc.)
I want to first say, we by no means, are approaching this conversation as if we have it 100% correct. We are willing to try and maybe get it wrong, and then go back and correct ourselves in front of our children. We think this is important for several reasons, but primary to model that we too are learning about race and racism and that we need to continue to be active in dismantling it within as well as in our society. Doing this in front of and with our children sets a standard that humility and correction are a necessary part of the posture we assume in learning about racism and activism. I am constantly learning about how systemic and personal racism impacts my own life. If we waited until we had the perfect formula for how to raise anti-racist children, we would be afraid to try to teach our children about racism for fear of getting it wrong. Having grace with yourself as a parent is as essential as challenging yourself as a parent.
I’m glad you found my suggestions helpful. To be more specific in answering your questions, role play activities usually happen after a conversation about race, racism, discrimination, that my daughter has either witnessed (perhaps she didn’t know she did and I point it out to her), a book she’s read, or show she’s watched. Also, we talk openly about race issues that are going on in our present day in front of our children.
For role playing, I bring up the conversations usually, but because the dialogue is there, she has a platform to ask anything. I don’t want her to be insecure in asking questions. There are absolutely times when she’s ready to stop and I want to push it further. When that happens, I usually ask her some recap questions like, “We can be done role playing, but first tell me before we stop, what did we just talk about?” Essentially, having her articulate for herself the concept/situation we just covered. If she doesn’t have it, we continue the role playing conversation, if she does, we stop. Other times, I’ll say, “Okay, we can stop, but let’s try again tomorrow.” and then I’ll bring it up the next day.
I try not to merge concepts in role play just yet because it’s a lot to digest at six years old, particularly if you don’t understand one concept it will be hard to understand several at the same time. This may be different for your children. For example, we will talk about overt racism in one conversation and in a separate conversation we will talk about covert racism. Separately we will talk about sexism and another conversation will be about White Supremacy and Antisemitism. The more separate conversations we have and concepts she grasps, we can refer back to those concepts as a reference points for her.
Like I said before, I am learning too and by no means offer a formula for raising anti-racist children, but I sure as hell am going to try my best and I am thankful that others, like yourself, are trying too.
Ruthie
I appreciated reading your thoughtful and provocative piece. I respect your choice to teach your children to recognize racism for what it is in this society and the world. It was only when I read the line, “Racism is in your blood” that I cringed. I understand sharing with her that there were racists in the family, but it’s not in her “blood” just as it is not in yours. Studies have shown that it is a learned behavior-either implicitly or explicitly-but it is learned. And it can be unlearned as you inferred. I am elated that you are teaching your children to resist it and stand up against it. Just let her know that the blood that runs through her body makes her beautifully human. You are providing the humanity.
Please allow me to correct myself: You are providing the humaneness, and humanity will be better because of what you are doing.
Gwyn, thank you for your comment and your encouragement! You are correct about the implicitly/explicitly learned behaviors and I agree it can be unlearned. I am personally proof of this fact. I agree the language “racism is in your blood” is provocative, and to clarify, not language I use with my daughter. My reasoning for stating that “racism is in your blood” was more nuanced syntax. “In your blood,” as I intended it, means that racism it is never far away, sometimes internal, systemic, and generational (as in our family). I like how you articulate how she is/we are beautifully human and the impact on humanity our choices are parents have. I do appreciate your encouragement. Parenting with intention is not for the faint of heart. Thanks again and I hope this provides some clarity.
Ruthie
If “racism is in your blood”, then would racism be in the blood of nonwhites too? IT wasn’t white people that killed Latasha Harlins or Cheryl Green, both African-American girls, one killed by a Korean, the other killed by a Mexican!
I have non-white blood and I’m tired of “whites” virtue signaling and saying white guilt cliches like “racism in our blood”. Many with non-white blood DO NOT want that type of “white guilt” support AT ALL!
Are you also teaching your children that racism can come from groups other than white people?
She probably doesn’t, if she teaches her daughter that racism is in her blood, because she’s white. I really understand the need to make children aware of some social issues like racism or homophobia. I’m a gay person and after things I experienced in school, I consider myself also an empathetic person. I really appreciate parents, who take their time to raise their children and help them understand how to be a good person to other people, but in my opinion, teaching them that only white people can be evil is something really sad. Of course racism is usually about majority attacking minority, but it applies on many levels, not only at the country color-white ratio. We have many schools in Europe, where minorities are the majority in a class, and they exercise racism against their white classmates. In my opinion it would be better to teach children to stand up for everyone, who needs help, because this is what being a good person mean. The nice thing about this approach is that you don’t have to make these negative connotations for a white skin, that make your child say ‘I want to be black’. That’s important, because if we want to live in a society, that’s not racist, we can’t make another race stereotype, this time for a white skin color. Otherwise it will be always us vs. them.
Personally, it sounds like you are setting up your children with a future of “white guilt”. Seems the message you are sending is that all white people are racists whether they know it or not. I would not have that conversation with my children. I don’t think you have to make the message so overt either.
I was fortunate to be in the military and my children grew up and lived with and around different races and cultures. They grew up to be accepting of all people. My daughter just started college and she told me that her roommate was black. I asked her if there was a problem with that. She said no. After two months of living together they are best friends.
Point is, I think too much emphasis is placed on race in the media and in society. Sure, we need to be respectful of each other, but as a white man, the message I hear is that I should feel ashamed of being born white. It is not a privilege to be white. It is a privilege to be born.
“Because all of the racists were White and I’m White.”
Why are you teaching your daughter to feel guilty about being who she is? Everyone should be allowed to be proud of who they are no matter where they come from. They should be taught that it’s their character that’s important. Pretty sure someone special once said that.
Please explain more how you have benefited from ‘White privilege’.
One aspect of racism is judging whole groups of people based on a stereotype that you’ve constructed about people of that race… if your daughter’s white skin is making her ashamed to be the person that she is, perhaps she should consider that she’s accidentally stereotyping white people. Remind her that no one should ever judge anyone based on their skin color, be it white or any other color; but rather, as Martin Luther King Jr. put it, “by the content of their character”.